Why can’t I choose? Why can’t I choose something to believe in completely?
I believe in God, that much is true. But I don’t really believe all the things I’m supposed to as a Christian. Shouldn’t I believe what they Bible tells me to? What the pastor tells me too? What the congregation tells me too?
Why must my actual beliefs differ from what I am told I should believe? It causes such pain to me. To be drawn between two worlds, unsure of where I belong or want to be.
Do I denounce homosexuality as wrong? I don’t want to though, that’s not what I truly feel. I don’t give a shit about whether people are gay, straight or neither. So what do I go with, my feelings or the ones expected of me?
Should I consider porn abhorrent? If so, why do I want more of it? I don’t really see it as bad, but I’m told that things like it should be spurned. Do I listen to others or follow myself?
I am told to give what I have to others. But I’m sick of giving others my time, money or property! It doesn’t benefit me to keep giving to others, so why should I keep doing what I’m told to do.
I’m told that God is always with us, but I’ve never once felt that way. Am I just wrong? If so, why can’t I feel what I’m supposed to?
I’m supposed to love everyone, but for most people I feel nothing. No hate, no love, their entire existence means nothing to me. Am I doing something wrong? Do I fake it? Isn’t that wrong too?
Despite all this, I can’t just give up on believing in God though. I want to do as he asks, but it’s in such stark contrast to everything else I want.
I’m torn. I’m in this constant state of agony, split between what I actually want and what I’m told I want. If I could rewrite what I feel, I’d be fine. If I could just renounce my religion and live for myself I’d be fine.
But I can do neither. I can’t let go of either side and it’s tearing me apart. It hurts so much to exist this way.
As long as my faith and feelings are at war I will continue to suffer. I can’t get out of this on my own though, and more and more I feel myself slipping towards rejection of something I’ve known since I was three. But I don’t really want to let it go, out of fear for what might happen.
At this point I want to disappear. I want to stop existing entirely because I don’t want to give up either of my two halves. As long as I hold on though, I hurt. I suffer. I anguish.
Why can’t I just choose?