So it’s Valentine’s Day, and as such everything has been Valentine’s themed for the past week or so.
Valentine’s specials at shops, Valentine’s themed videos and Valentine’s posts popping up all around the internet.
So naturally, I had to follow. Because I’m a sheep.
I thought I’d take the time to write about my own experiences with romantic relationships, the whole “Valentine’s Day” thing, and my thoughts on my relationships in the future.
Now I am not an authority on relationships, by any means. I’m a seventeen year-old loser that avoids people where possible and plays way too many video games, so I’m not exactly Giacomo Casanova.
Wait… He was a massive womaniser. Probably not the best example… Oscar Wilde maybe?
Ah, who cares, you get the picture. Moving on.
I like to think that I give good relationship advice (since people always seem to ask me for it), but I’m a nerdy little fucker with the romantic grace of an inverted rhinoceros beetle, so I tend to give advice with an extra large serving of salt on the side.
I’ve only ever had one girlfriend, and we only ever started dating because I felt pressured into it. Not pressured in a malicious way, but due to a combination of my (then almost crippling) social anxiety and not-so-subtle nudges from her friends.
I wasn’t too surprised when she broke up with me.
I’ve never really felt the need to date someone, and since I didn’t have many female friends growing up, I still to this day find my self confused when talking to girls around my age.
Am I just friends with this girl? Do I want to be more than friends? Does she want to be more than friends?
She is quite beautiful. Oh crap. Do I look like an ugly little troll again? I didn’t check the mirror this morning; I could have dirt all over my face!
Calm down, calm down. No use worrying now. Just keep cool. Stay calm.
Dammit, don’t look at her breasts, look at her face! Uh oh.
Have I been staring at her boobs this whole time? Oh God, I have, haven’t I?! Now she’s going to think I’m a dirty little pervert that’s only talking with her to get sex!
It doesn’t matter if either of us wanted to be more than friends now! She probably wants me dead! I’m a monster!
I’m probably going to hell now! For defos mate!
I have some… issues… I need to sort out. But I digress.
All that said, I can’t quite understand the point of Valentine’s Day. I find it similar to Mother’s Day or Father’s Day: a nice idea, but fundamentally redundant. I mean, if you love someone, why not show them that everyday of the year? Why wait until a preordained calendar date to show your affection?
My good friend Oliver wrote a post about New Year’s that looks into this idea of a specific day defining your actions, which you can read here.
Now, I’ve never really paid too much attention to Valentine’s Day in the past, seeing as I’ve never wanted anyone to be my Valentine, but fairly recently I found a person that I think I like like. That feels so friggin’ childish to write. Anyway.
This alien feeling of liking another human being outside of friendship or familial relation made me think about Valentine’s Day more and more, and ultimately led to my arrival at the conclusion I made three paragraphs above.
But to a certain extent, I feel like I’m just avoiding facing my feelings. I think I view Valentine’s Day as unimportant because I don’t want to own my feelings, and Valentine’s Day is like a big sign that reads:
“Hey, idiot. Just tell people your feelings.”
To ask someone out, or even tell them how you feel takes a real effort, an effort my anxiety riddled mind finds petrifying. I want to tell this person how I feel, but I’m so afraid of all the unrealistic consequences that might occur.
I mean, really, what are the chances of her being so repulsed by me that she flings herself to her death right there and then? Or that she laughs at me and then everyone else laughs at me and then I become a social outcast because everyone looks on me with derision whenever I leave the house?
None. Zip. Zilch. Zero. She isn’t that type of person. Really, no one is.
But that is a fear that I have. Irrational, yes, but it’s there. Even typing this, just being open about the fact that I might actually feel attraction towards another person, makes me feel nervous. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach trying to break free from their fleshy prison and escape into the world.
But it’s something I have to deal with. I may not choose my feelings, but I will choose how I share them with other people, even if I have to fight my own body to do it. Having dealt with some of and still dealing with my depression and anxiety, I’ve learned that sharing feelings is always better in the long term. It may feel like crap in the moment, but you’ll be better for it. It does take time though; you have to work towards it slowly.
Eventually, I’ll tell my crush how I feel about them, no matter what outcome I imagine. But that may take a little while. This is the first step. Like they always say:
“The first step is admitting you have a problem.”
That sounds a bit too drug-addicty (shut up, it’s a word now), but it’s true. The first step is accepting your feelings, to admit that they are there.
Eventually, I’ll find out how to express the emotions I feel in the little vortex of crazy I call my heart.
Eventually I’ll stop being a frightened little boy.
Eventually I’ll stop expecting the worst from everything.
Eventually I’ll figure out how to talk to people without wanting to fear-vomit.
Eventually I’ll even stop rambling.
Thanks for spending some of your time reading the ramblings of a silly little man.
Have a great
Valentine’s day everyone.
Logan, the Not-So-Dragon